We were in Xiamen and we got into trouble with the local police.

It started with an altercation between a few teammates and a Japanese client. The police was called but they decided to not arrest the client. Our team felt injustice and decided to surround the police station to protest.

More teammates joined the protest and screamed, “Traitors! You are allowing foreigners to insult our motherland!” In the midst of unrestrained testosterone flying high, a teammate shoved a policeman. As a result they swamped the crowd, cracked everything down, and arrested that teammate. The press picked up the news. I was the most senior person on the ground and I had to deal with it.

I wish I could glorify this story and say the team trusted my decisions, I trusted my team’s ability to execute, everyone trusted each other in doing their parts towards a shared goal, high fives, group hugs.

Nope.

I could not convince the team. I micro-managed. I stalled the execution. Everyone was protecting their own arses.

So what’s the LinkedIn-appropriate lesson I could conjure up from this humiliating experience?

Crisis management is trust.

The moment she locked her eyes on me and asked me an objectively harmless question, I peed in my pants.

How do you build trust in the first one-on-one meeting with your team member? These first meetings are fragile- You want trust, they want proof.

Yet most advices suggest us to ask question and listen. I disagree, especially if you are a boss and if you want to #bossbetter.

What we need to work on is to know when to flex between asking and sharing.

The Share First Approach:
By sharing first, you set the tone of the meeting.

“So David, tell me about you” and “Hello David, I would love to introduce myself to you” feel very different.

The Ask First Approach:
If you prefer to ask first, be sure to sprinkle in your sharing often. The goal is to relate, find common grounds, and prompt elaboration with your team:

“Oh wow you decided to leave. It must be hard for you! One time, at band camp …”

Lastly, when sharing and asking, be sure to explore hobbies and failures. This refines the tone of the meeting- boss is ready to be authentic and vulnerable.

And the question she asked me was …. “What do you think?”